5K = FAIL

Warning: this is not a happy post.

I don't know what happened this morning. But the 5k totally sucked.

Everything started off well. Last night, I relaxed with a long bath. I got a good night of sleep and woke up well-rested. In the car on the way to the race, Matt drove while I closed my eyes, relaxed, and reminded myself that I am a runner. I am a runner. I am a runner.

Let's review my goals, shall we?

1. Finish - and finish running: 50% FAIL. I finished, and I guess I finished running, but...I stopped to walk THREE TIMES. I don't even know why. The last time around, my leg started hurting (or did I just imagine it??!!). The first time I started walking, Matt turned around and saw me and got mad and yelled at me. Which I totally needed. But it didn't seem to help. There was a firefighter in full crazy firefighter uniform, complete with helmet and crazy backpack. And guess what? Yeah, he finished before me. There was a mom and dad running with their little kids - and guess what? They beat me too. Even the kids.
2. Don't finish last: PASS. I did not finish last, although I was pretty damn close. Out of 235 total finishers, I finished 222nd. Out of 36 finishers in the 25-29 age group, I finished 35th. UGH.
3. I'd like to finish in 35:00 or less: FAIL. My time was 38:36, giving me an average of 12:27 per mile. Pathetic, seriously.
4. Enjoy myself: FAIL. I did not enjoy myself. I did not have fun. Instead, I felt like a total failure. FAIL FAIL FAIL.

So, there you have it. I am so disappointed in myself...I just don't even know what happened. I didn't feel like a runner. I felt like a failure. I knew I could do this...and then I didn't do it.

When we crossed the finish line, I was supposed to be happy and excited and proud of myself! Instead, I felt like crap. I walked away from Matt and just started sobbing. And once I started...I just couldn't stop. Matt gave me a hug and reminded me it was just a run, it wasn't life or death. But I just felt like all this training I had done to prove I could do this...then today happened to tell me I can't do it after all. Then I cried while I was stretching. And I cried when we were in line for bbq afterwards. And I cried when we were eating bbq. And I cried in the car on the way to Best Buy (we had to make a quick stop on the way home) and then when we got back in the car, I cried some more.

When we got home, I just felt so...blah, that I curled up on the couch and slept for about two hours. Now it's 4:30, and I just got out of the shower. Oh, and writing this...I started crying again.

I'm sorry, ladies, I just had to get all of this off my chest. I just feel so crappy.

But now I am going to attempt to look at some positives:
1. Okay, I did actually finish. Even if the race overall is a FAIL.
2. And - 38:00 is about the same time it took me to run 3 miles around our neighborhood with no walk breaks, which leads me to believe that I had a faster pace today. So, I guess that's positive. I guess.
3. The bbq afterwards was really good, and free.

Here's my thing. I don't have another race on the calendar. This summer, I'm going to train - and I'm going to train hard. It starts on Monday. Before today, I planned on trying to shoot for a 10k in the fall, and maybe a half marathon in Spring 2010. But now...I'm not so sure about that. Instead of trying to get to a certain mileage, I'm just going to run. And next year, you'd better believe I'm running this 5k again. And I'm going to kick its ass.